III – I Can’t Stress This Enough

As exclaimed by the character Inspector Gadget, “Wowzers!” It’s the third entry in this updated blog journey. Enjoy (and don’t stress too badly)!!😉

Stress. Everyone has it in some form. Some have just a little. They worry about what their wardrobe choice is going to be. They might have to deal with which route to take to work. “Traffic is a bitch today!”  Others have a lot. Everyone deals with it in their own way. One will sing at the top of their lungs. Another binge drinks or does drugs to cope. Someone else beats the shit out of whatever they see. Yet others turn to more creative ways of releasing—painting, sculpting, video-recording or writing.

I happen to like writing to express my feelings and vent. I’m not particularly imaginative—I couldn’t write a book or become an author. I just start putting “pen to paper” and type whatever comes to mind. It’s a free-form jumble of words, but they are my thoughts coming out. Just as mixed up on paper as in my mind.

In today’s world of internet, YouTube, and a myriad of social media outlets, I could have gone various paths to express myself—Instagram Live, Facebook Live, Periscope and whatnot, as far as video goes; long-winded posts on Facebook; dozens of blogging sites. Oh, god, the choices are limitless. So, why did I go with a blog rather than a vlog (video)? Actually, the explanation is quite simple: introversion and practically zero self-esteem. As mentioned in my introductory post, I am an introvert. In fact, according to the site 16personalities.com, I am 99% introverted. I do feign extraversion for very brief periods, but it is mentally draining. Additionally, having spent virtually the entirety of my almost-46 years of life in self-doubt and (eventual) self-loathing/self-deprecation, I detest seeing photographs of myself or hearing recordings of my own voice. I actually can’t stand hearing my voice (induce vomiting). Furthermore, talking to a camera is not dissimilar to talking in front of a crowd of people for me—I get really uneasy, I stutter, I’m a mess. It simply doesn’t work. Someone else would have to critique a video of me. Why am I so self-critical? It’s the Virgo in me, I suppose. I always figured “why not put myself down (since I had all-too-many occurrences of this in my youth), and beat everyone else to the punch? That way, anything they say can’t be nearly as hurtful.”  I still use that line to this day, well sort of. Whenever someone tries to say something insulting, even as a joke, I tell them, “That doesn’t bother me. You can’t possibly say anything that I haven’t already told myself.”

You know the old saying “tell someone something enough times and they’ll actually believe it”? Well, it’s no lie. It does happen.

Back to the subject. For me, video is too spontaneous. In writing, I can actually think about what I want to say, and if the words don’t come out right, or I want to change how something is phrased, I just hit the backspace or delete key and rewrite my thoughts. I can also make sure my spelling is correct (god, typos bug the shit out of me). I can actually make a little sense on paper, unlike the stuttering, blithering idiot I sound like verbally.

I originated this blog in 2015. There were several posts, I think I got to 31. However, imagination dwindled, work overtook my time (some weeks that summer I worked over 60 hours), and the project was forgotten about. Recent developments have reminded me of my blog, and after some input, I decided to give it another go. I remembered how I enjoyed starting to write, and just put down thoughts without any real organization or order—just let whatever passed through my mind flow onto virtual paper.

Now for a little disclaimer, as far as video goes. I actually did do a video once. I wanted to experiment with how a video of me would work. I recorded one day almost three years ago, either on a break or before work, I don’t remember. Anyway, I put it on my YouTube account, but privately, as I didn’t want the whole world to see it. It’s still there, and somehow, as of the moment I type this, it has 12 views. Who are the 12 people that have seen it? Who knows. It’s torturous for me to watch, so I never have, honestly. I don’t even know what I sounded like, nor do I want to).

If you enjoy reading my ramblings, let me know. If you think someone else will enjoy reading my chicken-scratch, share it with them. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be the next big thing? Ha. Highly unlikely. Most likely wishful thinking [insert rolling eyes emoji]. At any rate, as long as someone keeps reading and enjoying my words, I’ll keep writing.

What’s the next chapter of this saga entail? I don’t even know. Something will come to my brain eventually. When it does, it’ll get put into words and we’ll do this again sometime. Let’s get in, sit back and take a ride to wherever this road leads. Until the next leg of the journey, be safe and be well.

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