XXI – So Help Me, I Swear…

Thinking about a subject to write for this week’s post, I got to thinking about an episode of the Three Stooges. In the episode entitled “Disorder in the Court,” Curly takes the oath before going on the stand, as seen in this clip. In the end of the clip, the judge begins to ask if he swears to tell the truth, etc. Curly interrupts the judge at “do you swear,” to which he replies, “No, but I know all the words.” I got to thinking about the whole concept of being somewhat polite, by not being vulgar, or using “substitute swear words.”


Living in Utah for the last nearly 30 years, I’ve seen an evolution of sorts. I don’t go to the Mormon church anymore, but when I did, I used to hear a lot of ridiculous “substitute swear words.” Nowadays, even some “faithful” members are as profane as a sailor. There was even a Facebook post one time by a local radio station that asked people what one of their favorite things was about living here. One of the station’s DJ’s said (and this isn’t a joke) “substitute swear words.”

Now there are instances where I get the use of censoring yourself to not sound vulgar, such as working with the public; or around small children. No one wants to hear a two-year-old, learning to talk, say something like “fuck you.” Okay, maybe that’s a little facetious. However, most people don’t want to go to a restaurant and hear the server tell them that “oh, it tastes like shit.” But, come on, if you beat someone in a sports game, especially if the game is a blowout, most people would agree that the winners kicked the losers’ ass, not “oh, we kicked their trash.” Kicked their trash? Seriously? Did you go and physically knock over their garbage can with a kick? Get real.

Here’s a stupid one I used to hear when I served as a Mormon missionary back in the day. Oh, that’s right, Mormon missionaries aren’t allowed to say, think or do anything “unclean” (but many would get in trouble and/or sent home for doing “unclean” things over the years—people just don’t advertise it because of embarrassment). Anyway, back on track. The word in question is “fetch”, used as a verb to substitute for the less-vulgar freak or the rather vulgar fuck. In retrospect, it just sounded as ridiculous as one might think.

Now, certain words can mean different things in different sentences, based upon their context. The same word in one sentence means one thing, but in another sentence and context takes on an entirely different meaning. However, just because you say a sentence, but use a different word to sound less vulgar or profane—while wanting to convey the same message—doesn’t that basically make the not-so-bad word “bad”? Maybe that was clear as mud. Here’s an example of what I not-so-eloquently attempted to say: suppose you want to say, “Dude didn’t put any fucking oil in the goddamned motor, so it burnt up.” But, instead, you censor the sentence to “Dude didn’t put any freaking oil in the dad-gummed motor, so it burnt up.” Aren’t the words in bold basically conveying the same message? Gasp! You can’t take the lord’s name in vain!😮 Um, it happens all the time, kids. Don’t get all butt-hurt of you get offended by the way someone else talks. You may not like it, but you sure as hell ain’t gonna control it.

Speaking of control, why are certain words bleeped on TV? Because a group of well-to-do dickheads at the FCC think that these words are “obscene” and shouldn’t be heard? Why bleep on TV what is heard every day in life? You’re watching Hell’s Kitchen and Chef Ramsay tells a chef to fuck off, why don’t they just play it? Or when a game is going to shit, why not allow the wording? Oh, because whiny-ass pansy out there somewhere might get offended by the oh-so-horrible “f-word” and, after getting their panties twisted, go sue the network, in this litigious, sue-happy country we live in? Where anything, any time, can and is considered offensive? Where whiny little butt-hurt jackasses have to go run and hide in safe spaces and receive counseling because, unlike decades ago, words hurt their precious little egos? It’s a world where helicopter parents abound; everyone receives a participation trophy; no one is allowed to be disappointed or get their feelings hurt; everything has to be rubberized and padded; kids aren’t allowed to be kids; no one is allowed to think for themselves; the only opinion that matters is the popular one; all information must be spelled out and spoon-fed to the multitude; everything has to have a warning label; the “Burger King mentality” (I want everything the way I want it, when I want it, to hell with you) rules; and the sheeple must blindly follow and accept everything their anointed leaders say.

Maybe that’s why I would be a horrible leader. I would abolish the FCC censorship rules and I’d tell the whiny-ass “feel good” people to get over themselves.😱

Unfortunately, it looks like political correctness will always be a thing in the United States. Everyone has to measure their words, because god forbid some loser get offended.🙄

What say we decide for ourselves whether we self-censor. I won’t hold it against you one way or the other; just don’t pass judgement on me when I release one of those “f-bombs”. Until my next post next week, and unless you don’t like to be told what kind of day to have (à la, “have a nice day”…don’t tell me what kind of day to have!😂), be safe and be well.

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