XXXIV – Golf (and Stuff)

We meet again on this fair Sunday morning for yet another installment of my weekly rant about one thing or another. Please enjoy! Remember to like this, either here, on Facebook or Instagram. Know anyone who would get a kick out of my blog? Share with them; tell them about it. I’m always welcoming new readers and followers!🙂

When talking about sports, you usually hear guys (and even many women) talk about their favorites, like football, basketball or baseball. I would say that in the United States, those definitely rank the top three. You will hear some die-hards talk about their favorite NASCAR drivers. Latin people usually discuss their favorite soccer teams. There’s even a niche for bowling and tennis (as boring as tennis might be). I highly doubt, however, you’ll ever hear someone talk about golf.

Honestly, I see no way that golf can be considered a sport. It’s played with a ball, but that’s about it, I think. What’s the point of golf? Basically, hit a teeny white ball with a crooked stick into a hole, about the size of a gopher hole, roughly 1200 feet away. And try to do it in as few shots as possible. Imagine the physical stamina needed: hit a ball weighing about an ounce and a half, measuring around two inches in diameter. Then, drive a cart to where it lands, then hit it again until you land it into a 4¼-inch hole. When the person is teeing off, there’s a flag on a pole placed into the golf hole, just to give a frame of reference and a little hope you’ll make it. Sounds to me like a freaking monkey could manage that.

But if only golf were that simple. Somehow, it’s been around for centuries. The Scottish are credited for inventing golf as we know it, even though it’s been “popular” for around 100 years. According to Wikipedia, golf’s first mention in Scotland was in 1457, and a version of it was played in the Netherlands in 1297. So, this foolish, idiotic waste of time has been around in its somewhat current state for about 560 years. Holy shit.

Back to the silliness of golf. The normal garb is a pair of ugly-ass golf pants resembling knickers, colored plaid or some other loud color. They also occupy, in many cases, about 150 acres each. Multiply that by the roughly 16000 courses in the country. You’re looking at 2,400,000 acres, or 3450 square miles of wasted space, each course using roughly a million gallons of water a week to maintain them. So, for the environmentally-conscious people: these useless golf courses use collectively, about 16 BILLION gallons of water PER WEEK!🤬 Granted, most of that might be recycled water, but still. That much water is kinda obscene, don’t you think?

And what kind of people play golf? For the most part, they’re these elitist, rich white men. You never see a poor person on a golf course. In fact, people other than rich, old white men are the exception. Okay, there’s Tiger Woods and Lee Trevino, but like I said, they’re the exception. As I said before, mostly rich people golf. People like presidents. George W Bush rarely went golfing during his presidency. Obama went 330 times in eight years (about every nine days). Trump (rich, elitist white man) has gone over 130 times in two years (equivalent to over 500 times if he serves eight years), averaging a round every 4 days. And what do these “highfalutin’” people do out there? Probably discuss how they can chop up the country, take our meager sums of money for themselves and divide everyone up as much as possible.

The whole game is a screwed-up mess. I mean, it looks like a drunk person invented the game. You use a crooked stick to hit the tiny ball into the tiny hole way down the way. And it’s not a straight line, either. Let’s not forget the obstacles in the way: trees, the lake and a sand trap that resembles a huge cat litter box. The TV announcers speak like they’re in the middle of a church sermon. Watching paint dry seems like a more entertaining notion than observing golf. And as if one hole wasn’t enough, why does this lesson in extreme boredom have to go on for 18 holes? I have more important things to do for those several hours. Hell, underwater basket weaving sounds more fun. And why would anyone shell out $40-300 for one round of golf? I have better things to do with that kind of cash, like buy groceries.

We could come up with so many better, more useful ideas to use this land, rather than waste it with a golf course. As mentioned before, roughly 3500 square miles of land (just in the US) is wasted by these places. That’s about the size of Rhode Island and Delaware, combined. The area equivalent to two states is just being wasted on that boring game called golf. Imagine what could be done. Since the US has the highest per-capita incarceration rate, you could fence off all that land and put the prisoners in there and let them work things out with each other. That would take care of prison overcrowding. Or, what about housing? Apartments for homeless people. Low-cost housing for starting families, or for those who are priced out of the housing market. Lots of room would be available for commercial development—more jobs. That all seems positive to me. But, nooooooooo. These über-rich, pompous assholes have to have their boring, unnecessary golf courses.

Know what else could be put on all that land? Miniature golf courses. Places of family entertainment, like St George, Utah’s Fiesta Fun Center, or southern California’s Malibu Grand Prix or Golf ‘N Stuff. Now that is good use of old golf course land. I’d love to see Donald Trump go play miniature golf. Imagine him getting screwed over by a windmill or a castle obstacle.🤣 In addition to those overrated golf courses, there’s a lot of land being occupied by abandoned shopping malls. Let’s put all this wasted land to good use!

Do you like to golf? I don’t get the fascination, but you do you. You want to see some hilarious takes on golf? Robin Williams and George Carlin had some rather funny insights in this YouTube video. My opinion: golf is boring and completely unnecessary and unneeded. Your opinion obviously may differ, and I respect that. Whether you play golf or miniature golf, go have fun.

This has been yet another trip down the online highway called Ray’s Rants of the Week. Until I traipse across your screen next time, please, my esteemed co-inhabitants of this world, be safe and be well.

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