As human beings, we are a diverse bunch. There are roughly 7.7 billion people populating the planet right now, each one being a unique individual. Despite all the differences, we’re all still kind of similar. Men throughout the world have the same basic physiology, as do women. Though we all live our daily lives in our own ways, there are similar experiences we all have, that we share separately. This week, I’m going to mention some of these things we’ve all been through at one point or another.
We’re going somewhere for say three days, and we pack ten pair of socks, nine shirts, fourteen pair of underwear, seven pair of pants, twelve pairs of shoes and enough toiletries for two months. WTF‽ Like are we going to shit our pants and play in the mud all day for the trip? Yup, I think we’re all guilty of this.
We meet someone, they introduce themselves. Simple. However, there’s one little caveat: for whatever reason, we forget their name ten seconds later. How frustrating.
The Time Warp
•I know I’m guilty of this: thinking the 1990s still is 10 years ago. Hell, in a few months, 1990 will be thirty years ago! I think to myself dog, next June is 30 years since I graduated high school. Damn, I’m getting old.
•Or what about this: your kids have a Friday off from school, so you think all day it’s Saturday. Then you go to bed, wake up on Saturday, and you’re all right again. What kind of sorcery is this?
Imagine you start having a real sharp pain, like near your ribcage. Though it winds up being just some annoying gas pain, for a moment, you think “Yup, this is how it ends for me!”
The Longest Minute
•You go to work, you’ve been there for what seems like five hours. You look at the clock, and it’s been eight minutes🤨.
•Another one: you really, really need to poop. One of those where you barely drop your pants in time. You get to the bathroom, and the fucking thing is locked!! The person in the restroom comes out fairly quickly, but when you are about to soil your pants, it seems like a goddamned eternity! You’re doing the “potty dance” the whole time, hoping you don’t have an accident.
You get a prescription for whatever, and on it, it says not to operate heavy machinery while taking. I’m sure they mean don’t drive, but you automatically think of a forklift or a dump truck. And what the hell is in Benadryl? “Non-drowsy” it says. Yeah, right! That shit always makes me feel like I’m gonna pass out at any time!
You’re using Microsoft Word, for example, and you insert an image. It looks like it’s in place, everything fits on one page. Great! Uh oh, it’s not quite right. You click and move the image by one pixel. All of a sudden, all the text and everything else shift, there are now 4 pages (mostly blank), and your computer pauses with that accursed “wait” cursor ()—that damned spinny thingy appears for nine years, and as soon as you click anywhere, even once, the screen freezes! Okay, maybe a tad dramatic, but that text shift does happen, and you get a much larger, albeit empty, document.
I don’t get how some people get up on the first alarm, or even those who get up at the right time every day without an alarm. I think they’re of the devil! Me? If I look and see there’s six minutes until my alarm goes off, damn straight I’m going to close my eyes until that alarm goes off. When it does go off, I snooze my alarm more than once. Apparently, iPhones don’t have a snooze function, so there are those who have several alarms: like 0630, 0640, 0645, 0650, 0655, 0657, 0659, 0700.
You see a suitcase on your bed. You think it’s really heavy, and you go to pick it up, expecting a lot of weight. Surprise! You practically launch it to the Moon. For just a second, you feel like Superman.
•When you buy something online and get that tracking number. You check the progress. It hasn’t changed in like a week. Next day, you check it: package delivered.
•Ordering on Amazon: without Amazon Prime, they’re like “Expected delivery 8-10 days, arrived in 8. Cool!” With Amazon Prime: “If my shit don’t get here tonight, I’m gonna kill a bitch!”
•You send a text or email, then you discover the typos after sending it.
•Or, you send a drunk text to the wrong person.
•You get angry, send that angry email or text. Moments later, you realize what you said and want to off yourself.
I Didn’t Do Nothin’
You walk into a store, look around and walk right back out without buying anything. You get paranoid, thinking security is going to approach you thinking you stole something.
What The Fuck‽
You think you have a beautiful voice. You hear a recording of your voice, and all of a sudden you’re like who the fuck is that‽ Is THAT what I sound like? And you just want to rip your ears off. Or you look at your selfie and begin to contemplate your mere existence. (Editorial note: This is why I avoid cameras and videos at all costs)
You’re at work or an important meeting, and your phone is set to vibrate. You feel your phone vibrate. You look, nothing. You think it’s doing it again. Nothing. I guess we’re going crazy! Not really. Some call it “Phantom Vibration Syndrome” and the ubiquity of smartphones has made it so that we think our phones are going off when they’re just sitting there quietly.
Can I Help You?
You hire someone to do some repairs in your house, or you have someone do some appliance service at your home. They’re doing their job, but for some reason you feel guilty you’re not helping out, though they’re the ones getting paid. And why risk getting hurt? No one’s going to pay your doctor bill if you injure yourself helping the repair dude!
Just remember, the next time you do something stupid, someone else has probably done the same thing at one time or another! One thing I’d like you to do is this: be safe and be well.