LII – You Love It? You Eat It!

Everyone has their favorite foods. Everyone also has one food or another they can’t stand. Sometimes people detest something everyone else loves. Still others will refuse to eat something one way, but will eat the exact same thing prepared another way. One example is people who won’t eat onions on a burger, but will get onion rings as their side🤷‍♂️. When I worked at Taco Bell, people would order a burrito “no onions or tomato”, but be okay with pico de gallo (made with cilantro, onions and tomato)🤨.

Many who know me know that there are numerous foods I cannot stand, but which just about everyone else seems to love. I read a BuzzFeed article recently where the author stated why she hated olives. However, nearly every comment was to the opposite, where they were appalled by the olive hate, and that they absolutely loved olives. I’ll start there. I absolutely cannot stand olives. They’re briny, salty and taste like Satan himself rubbed them in his armpits or crotch. If someone orders olives on a pizza, I’ll try to avoid it altogether, but if that’s the only pizza, I will do absolutely everything in my power to pick out the horrific olive slices. Olives are, as I said, of the devil himself. In fact, once I ate a pizza, not knowing there were olives on it. I took a bite that seemed harmless, but as I chewed, I discovered the offending vegetable and proceeded to gag and almost throw up. Ugh, it was terrible!

I wrote a previous post about this: American “cheese”. You can’t scrape that shit off a burger, because it’s already melted and melded into the meat and bun, just as plastic shrink wrap takes the form of whatever it encompasses. It’s not even real cheese! Most manufacturers call them “American slices” or “cheese food”. If you light it on fire, it either holds a flame, or just becomes a blob. Give me some real cheese!

Plain white milk is another abomination that I don’t allow to pollute my palate. If it’s on cereal or flavored with Nesquik, I can handle it. Plain, white milk always tastes like it’s sour or gone past its usefulness. My trauma toward milk came to pass about 40 years ago. I was in the first grade, and school lunches came with a milk carton; I don’t think chocolate milk was an option at the time. So, I happily opened my milk and began to drink. That particular carton had gone bad, and was sour as fuck. I threw up from drinking it, and to this day, I can’t touch the stuff. Occasionally, I’m forced to gag it down when I get a bad acid reflux attack and I don’t have any Nexium around, but fortunately, those occasions are few and far between.

Almost everyone I know loves root beer floats—a classic combination of root beer poured over ice cream. Why destroy the deliciousness of ice cream with a nasty-ass soda like that, or any soda, for that matter? It’s foamy, it’s frothy, it’s hideous! First of all, root beer itself is nauseating. Depending on the brand, it tastes like refrigerated cough syrup (disclaimer: I might have an A&W root beer, if it’s from the fountain at the A&W shops). Second, the combination is downright abominable—along the lines of syrup on eggs or bacon🤮.

You want me to gag on what I’m eating? Serve me macaroni and cheese. The texture of the noodles makes me gag and want to puke everywhere. Even when I was little, my mom would make mac & cheese and put bacon bits in it. I’d pick out and eat the bacon, and leave the gross macaroni intact. The same goes for most pasta, in general. Spaghetti requires much sauce and parmesan to make it edible (of course, meatballs help). Lasagna has the mountain of cheese, meat and sauce, so I like that. Of course, some people use that Velveeta crap (again, American cheese stuff), which makes it double nasty. By the way, interesting bit of trivia: Cracker Barrel’s mac & cheese sauce contains American and Colby cheese.

You won’t catch me eating hardly anything at a Chinese restaurant. Maybe orange chicken or teriyaki meat. But you’ll never catch me eating rice. Major ew! When I was a Mormon missionary back in the early 90s in Brazil, people got offended if you didn’t eat what was offered, so I’d put a tiny dab of rice on the plate, and drown it in beans, just to please the people and appease their generosity. Fun fact: at one house, their main course for lunch was a huge pot of chicken feet🤢. I had to think fast, and politely refuse, claiming I was on a fast that day. I know, it was a dick move, but better than telling them outright that I couldn’t stand chicken feet. I’ll eat the leg, thigh or breast, but not the feet in a million years🙅‍♂️.

Kids love gummy bears. Many vitamins are made in gummy form. I’ll stick with the pill type. Nothing gummy anything will ever cross my lips. I can’t stand the texture of those gummy crap things. Along the same lines of pasta.

Same thing goes for marshmallows. I hate them with a passion. They have this weird-ass texture that makes eating them absolutely undesirable. I will never eat a marshmallow from the bag, nor S’mores, ever. Now, as peculiar as this may seem, if you melt the marshmallows with some butter, and mix in Rice Krispies, I’ll actually eat a piece (even better if they’re mixed with peanut butter and the bottom lined with chocolate. Strange, isn’t it? I won’t eat rice or marshmallows, but I’ll eat Rice Krispies treats (refer to the aforementioned onion rings).

Returning to rice for a brief moment. Wanna know why I don’t like rice? Okay, there’s a couple of reasons. First, my mom has said on numerous occasions that, even as a baby, I would never eat rice cereal. Okay, so I guess it’s in my nature. The biggest reason, though, is that it looks like a bowl full of maggots. If I looked hard enough, I would imagine the grains of rice moving in my bowl. That’s a whole lotta nope right there!

Okay, one last thing on this list: the sweet-and-salty combinations of pancake syrup on eggs, bacon or chicken (or any such savory items). Syrup is meant to be poured on pancakes or waffles, not on eggs or bacon. Whoever invented those atrocities should be tried for crimes against humanity! The same goes for bacon on donuts. Maple and bacon, in my opinion, were never meant to be married in one concoction. It’s gross and should be banished! I loathe the strange complexity of sweet and salty, or sweet and spicy. I’m just a simple guy who likes simple food tastes.

I guess that’s enough of the food dislikes for this week. That’s all I could think of right off the top of my head, anyway. If you’re one of those weirdos who love rice or mac & cheese or bacon maple donuts, by all means, eat those nasty things. You can have my share, while you’re at it! Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow, you either die or you’ll end up in Utah🤣! Enjoy your delightful or bizarre food preferences, and please be safe and be well.

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