LXXIV – Ye Olde…Farts

If you’re reading this, it means you’ve made it to the new year/decade, and it’s time for another installment of my rants/blog.

If you think I’m going to begin 2020 with the “what might the future hold for us” or what I hope 2020 will bring, you would be incorrect. I’m diving right in with my normal dose of abnormality🤭.

This week, I want to delve into a touchy subject for some. It’s about a certain group of people. Most of us will be one of these someday: old. Yes, I’m talking shit on old people, or, as society likes to euphemistically put it, “senior citizens”.

First of all, why can’t we call them old people anymore? The average lifespan in the United States is roughly 78 years. So if a person lives into their 80s, 90s or even over 100, they’re old, plain and simple. Society has to speak in that soft language full of euphemisms, walking on eggshells so as not to offend anyone. I mean, god forbid someone get offended by something😮!

Don’t get me wrong, there are really great old people out there. They can be some of the sweetest people around. But then, there’s the ones that think they’re doing the world a favor by just existing. They think that because they’ve been on this Earth for several decades, they’re entitled to everything. These cranky geezers think they should have the closest parking spaces, never pay full price for anything (the ubiquitous “senior discount”🙄) and think that leaving someone a 0.5% tip is doing them a favor. Well, excuse me, Janet, that’s not how it works. Perfect example of this in action: my daughter is a server at the same Cracker Barrel I work at. She’s a sweet girl (by girl, I mean she’s 20, but she’s still a little girl to me) and tries her damnedest to wait on these people. The other day, she had a table where the total bill was something like $70. If someone were to leave a 20% tip, it would be $14. Guess how much the old bat left as her tip? Ten cents. Ten whole cents. One fucking dime! The worst part of this is that’s one of the biggest insults you can make toward a server: leave them their tip in coins, especially under $1.00. If you’re not going to give your server a semi-decent tip, then just don’t fucking eat in a restaurant! That old bitch riding in her wheelchair probably thought that the 10¢ tip was doing my daughter a huge favor. Like oh, thank you! Now I can pay the sales tax on some insignificant purchase! What is the actual fuck can 10¢ buy in 2020? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING🤦‍♂️!

Something else that really pisses me off about old people. There are those of advanced age that are very keen and active. One time years ago, I was in a bank line and there was an old man in the front of the line. The teller told me that the guy was in his mid 90s. He looked like he might have been 70-something. I would never have guessed he was a nonagenarian. Walking upright, driving his one-ton pickup, sharp as a tack. Then there are those who can’t walk for shit. They can barely move, walking slower than a snail. Or you’ve got the 90-year-old lady, all of four-foot-nothing, driving a humongous Cadillac or some other battle wagon, can barely see through the steering wheel. I feel that once you reach a certain age, let’s say 75, you should either have to renew your license annually (with a physical exam and eye exam), or not be able to drive anymore. I saw one time a lady driving a full-size van, and when she got out, she could barely walk. If you can barely move your legs to walk, how in the hell are you going to quickly move your foot to the brake to stop in an emergency? Sounds like they’re just going to hit someone at full speed, to me.

Then you get these old people who, when driving, tend to drive 10 under the posted speed limit. Going 40 in a 50 zone. In Utah, the freeways have a minimum speed of 45 under ideal conditions. There are these old fogeys who will drive, on a 75-mph freeway, at 50 mph. And half the time, in the left (passing) lane. Or is that the “camping” lane🤔? My dad was guilty of this one: keeping your foot in the same place on the gas pedal, so that downhill, you’re driving like a bat out of hell, but uphill is a crawl. Excuse me, Old Man Jenkins, you have to adjust your speed, adjusting the gas pedal. Not too fast, not too slow.

And why do old people…oh fuck it, I see seemingly everyone do it…think you should hit your brakes when approaching a green light, especially when it just recently changed? What, are you afraid of the light changing last minute? Oh, god forbid you go through a yellow light😱! I really hate when the light changes and a car is close to the intersection, then dumbass slams on their brakes and, get this, backs up because they stopped halfway into the intersection. Hey, dumb fuck, if you’re in the intersection, just go! You’re going to cause an accident by backing up in traffic!

Here’s another thing old people do that annoy the hell out of me. If you’re old and don’t get this modern technology and gizmos, don’t go through the self-checkout. Go to a human cashier and make your purchase. Don’t sit there, reading everything on the screen, and then pushing the on-screen buttons with your index finger like you’re dialing a touch-tone payphone, taking forever between each deliberate button push. Besides, if you go the human cashier, you can start talking about everything. That’s another thing that annoys me: when you go to a cashier, who happens to be Chatty Cathy, wanting to talk in detail about some mundane thing they discovered last month. This is one reason why I choose self-checkout whenever possible. I can’t deal with inane small talk. Ain’t got time fo’ dat.

One last thing right off about old people, then we’ll wrap it up. Why do they think they’re entitled to everything, and that they should be catered to on their every whim, and everything should be special for them? For example, I work a second job at Golden Corral. I’ve had rude old people be like “hey, you’re out of mushrooms” –Yes, Karen, they’re cooking. Or, “I know the jumbo shrimp isn’t put out until 4, and it’s only 10:30, but can you drop me a couple special?” –No, I don’t want to. You want jumbo shrimp? Come in at 4 (I really would love to tell them that, but I bite my tongue). Then there’s this person today. “What fish is this?” –It’s called basa; it’s like catfish. “Where I is it from? Can you find out for me?” –Um, no, I really don’t want to. GTFOH with your unnecessary questions. What does it matter whether it’s a farm raised fish? You some kind of extreme left-wing animal rights nut, like the doofuses in California that think chickens have to be able to stretch their wings or cows have to have peace and calm. I’m not at all for animal abuse, but if you have an animal that you’re going to slaughter, what does it matter whether it was treated like it was at a spa? What’s next? Cow massage? Chicken pedicures? Pig baths?

I know I’ll be old someday (my 14-year-old son tells me all the time I’m old🤷‍♂️), and hopefully I’m not the stereotypical grumpy “get off my lawn” old man. Oh, to hell with the hyperbole. Anyone who knows me would say that I probably will be. No matter. I hope to be around to bitch and moan and annoy people for a long time.

If you’re not an old person yet, enjoy life while you can. If you are an old person, enjoy what life you have left while you can. To hopefully get to that point, be a good person and take care of yourself. While you’re at it, take care of someone else. I hope this first full week of 2020 is a good one for you, and that the 51 weeks following treat you fairly, as well. Until next week, be safe and be well.

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