XCVIII – Have I Ever? Revisited

I did this kind of post once before, where I answer random “have you ever” questions. The time has come to answer a few more, in no particular order. No sense dilly-dallying anymore. Have I ever…


Been showering and have someone throw ice water on you? Thankfully, no. Normally, when I shower, the bathroom is locked to prevent intrusion. That would be rather rude, though.

ice shower

Tried to burp the alphabet? Not just no, but hell no. First of all, that’s just utterly disgusting. Second, I was never one to draw attention to myself. There might have been someone I went to school with that did do this.

Gone “skinny dipping”? To start with, I am not a swimmer. I barely can manage to get across a pool. Additionally, why would I subject anyone to the abject terror of seeing me without clothes🤢? I’m a middle-aged “cracker” motherfucker who is white as the snow and has a gut resemblant of a beer belly. If I ever entered a pool naked, they’d have to drain and sterilize it before anyone else could go in. Ew. Just the thought makes me shudder.

Locked your keys in the car? Sadly, more times that I wish to admit. I’ve had to call a locksmith or AAA on more than one occasion to open my car for me. With these chip keys cars have now, I can’t exactly keep a spare copy in my wallet.

locked out

Gone on a “bad” blind date? Negative. I never dated in school, or really ever, much less had a blind date. I couldn’t even tell you what a date is like. Yeah, I’m a loser, I know. I wouldn’t even have the foggiest idea of what to do on one.

Thrown up on an airplane or boat? Yup. Maybe the first time I went on a plane. I did once on a boat to Catalina, too. I guess I just wasn’t used to those modes of transportation at the time🤷‍♂️.

Been skydiving or scuba diving? Neither. Again, not a swimmer. As far as skydiving, I ain’t got no death wish. For those who have done it, mazel tov. I don’t need the adrenaline rush that comes with that. I’d probably end up losing control of certain bodily functions from the fright. I’ll pass, thank you very much.

skydive
Skydiving from 24 miles up? I don’t think so! That guy was fucking nuts!

Had a blowout while driving? Fortunately, never while on the freeway. It happened once while picking one of my boys up from school, but that was close to home, and at low speed. I was, however, driving to work on the freeway one day, and I could see in my mirror the cargo van about half a mile back have a blowout. I could see the smoke from the tire, and the van swerve a little. I feel bad for anyone behind him, to have to try to dodge the tire fragments and smell the stench of burnt/burning rubber.

blowout

Swam in ice cold water? Do I look like a fucking polar bear? Why would I ever want to go take a dip in freezing water? Those people in that “polar bear club” that go jump into frigid Alaska winter water are completely out of their goddamned minds. Hypothermia much?

Had food or drink spilled on you at a restaurant? Fortunately, never by a server. Usually it’s one of my kids or it was my own dumb ass that knocked my glass over.

Faked being sick so you could come/stay home from school/work? Did that all the time in elementary school. Don’t remember if it was kindergarten or first grade. If I didn’t want to go to school, I’d feign a stomach ache. Ever think I was that kinda kid? Yeah, I’m not proud of it.

Not been able to remember how you got somewhere? That depends on the context. I have driven down the road, wide awake, but not remember driving the previous mile or so—probably preoccupied or thinking about something. Have I ever gotten shitface drunk and not remember something/pass out? No.

how did i get here

Been kicked or bitten by an animal? Does a bee sting count? I have had a cat that would nip when trying to play, but never a serious bite.

Gotten lost at an amusement park or on vacation? I think it was in California in 2016. I was trying to maneuver in traffic. I had the navigation on my phone going. The damn thing would change to what it thought was a quicker route through LA side street traffic. Because I was afraid to hold my phone to check the map, it led me down some really bizarre spots I’d never been to before. I had to stop and look for myself to get an idea of where to go. Fucking Google. As a comedic sidebar, while driving down unknown roads, my youngest son piped up saying something like, “is this going to lead us to the graveyard?” Ironically, a few minutes later, we drove past a cemetery🤨.

google-maps-detroit-sydney02-sm

Eaten a whole cake or pizza by yourself? I doubt I could eat a whole pizza in one sitting. As far as a cake, maybe not the finished product, but I have prepared cake mix before and eaten the batter. The box says “do not consume raw batter”, but I don’t give a flying fuck. I’m not gonna get whatever you’re supposedly at risk of catching. I’ve eaten cookie dough and cake batter for nearly half a century, and never gotten sick once. I think that’s just the government wanting me to not live my best life. For the record, the so-called “edible” cookie dough (made without eggs) tastes like crap to me. I bought a little package one time. I ate it, but it wasn’t very satisfying. I’d much rather make Nestlé Toll House dough and eat that. Or, I’ll buy some pre-made refrigerated dough and munch on that🍪🎂.

cookie dough


Do I seem like a boring person or an outright loser? I’m not very adventurous, I’ll grant you that. I like people individually or in small groups; I hate society in general and large conglomerations of people. I’ll stop before I ramble on too far.

How might you answer these questions? I’m sure your answers will be much more interesting than mine! Until the next post, my good folks, be safe and be well.

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