XCIX – Dateline: Stupid Town

I know not many people read a physical newspaper anymore, since smartphones are ubiquitous and taking over as the main source of internet browsing and receiving news and information. When reading news, usually things are spelled correctly and the article is coherent and cohesive. Sometimes, you see a headline that just makes you shake your head and/or facepalm yourself, either because the headline is worded strangely or it makes no sense whatsoever. Just to lighten the mood, here are some headlines that are bizarre, or just plain dumb.


Homicide victims rarely talk to police

Um, rarely? I think these victims are just a little dead to be talking to anyone!

“We hate math”, say 4 in 10—a majority of Americans.

Four in 10 is a majority🤔? Last I checked, a majority was 50% +1. I think the author of this story learned some Common Core math

Aliens Hats

Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive

Well, I certainly don’t think you’ll survive breathing some other noble gas, like say, xenon or argon

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

Is this part of Common Core math now? When counting, you go eighteen, nineteen, twenty-teen, twenty-one teen, twenty-two teen, twenty-three teen, twenty-four teen, twenty-five. Maybe I need to go back to school

China may be using sea to hide its submarines

Now that’s an ingenious idea! Those flying submarines are just too damn visible!

Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons

Quoting George Takei, “oh myyy”. I thought for sure they’d find some lovely baked goods at the gun shop.

donut-logo

Diana was still alive hours before she died

I would certainly hope so! Could she have been in any other state? You’re either alive or dead. Your heart is either beating or not.

Man kills himself and runs away

Was this guy named Lazarus? If you’re dead, how are you gonna run? That would definitely be one hell of a parlor trick!

A nuclear explosion would be a disaster

I’m not sure about that. I think there should definitely be a party, since we already have the fireworks. Why don’t we consult the fine folks from Chernobyl, Three Mile Island or Fukushima?

Think of a headline 56 pt bold headline

Feeling a little lazy, leaving a placeholder rather than actually think of a headline?

news fail

World Bank says poor need more money

I certainly don’t think the rich need more. Many of them have way too much to begin with. Besides, money is overrated. Just barter with your limbs and organs. You can get a lot more stuff with a kidney than a $100 bill.

Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs

This one came straight from the desk of Captain Obvious. The stupidity of this headline just hurts my brain

Fhgfhdfdfdffgfgfgfgfgfgfgfg

From the graphic, this was apparently a story about a soccer game. Here again, someone was either drunk or just plain lazy, just banging the keyboard. Maybe it was a two-year-old that typed that headline🤨.

Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says

Nice double entendre there. I realize it means he golfs using his personal golf balls, but in the other sense, I would certainly hope he does, or maybe lets his girlfriend. It would be awkward if he played with someone else’s…Or maybe not. To each their own, I guess

Missippi’s literacy program shows improvement

Obviously someone forgot the spell check, or they never learned that state’s proper spelling. Wouldn’t it be ironic if whoever wrote the article was really from Mississippi?

Can't Brain

Rooms with broken air conditioners are hot

I think that goes without saying. And that’s why someone had to say it. If there’s nothing to cool a room down, of course it’s going to be hot! Especially in the summer!

State population to double by 2040; babies to blame

Unless my understanding of reproduction is antiquated, usually that’s how population increases—childbirth. However, why are the babies to blame? Shouldn’t we be blaming the man and woman who went and..well, we all know how babies are made.

Republicans turned off by size of Obama’s package

Of course, this refers to the Obamacare legislation, but we know damn well that this is another wonderful double entendre. I’m wouldn’t doubt for a minute that those GOP old farts were probably envious of Obama’s manhood.

Carlin Fight

Greenland meteorite may be from space

Last I checked, that’s where meteorites come from. I’ve never known of a meteorite rising out of the oceans.

Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf

Maybe when they left. How are deaf people going to get joy from singers? Is someone “singing” in sign language? Did I miss something?

Most earthquake damage is caused by shaking

Now there’s a shocker. There’s shaking in an earthquake?

Homeless survive winter. Now what?

I don’t know. Kill them? Put them on a bus to the desert? Employ them at some greasy spoon? If you people on city council don’t know, I sure as hell have no clue🤷‍♂️!

Students cook and serve grandparents

Okay, this one is kinda stomach-churning. First of all, are these students related to Jeffrey Dahmer🤮? What did those poor old people do to them to deserve such a fate? Oh, they cook and serve food to some grandparents🤦‍♂️. A little punctuation or clarification would go a long way, and might save a few old folks’ lives (noble act vs cannibalism)😂.

Scientists to kill ducks to see why they’re dying

Is it really necessary to put something to death to study why its species is dying? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? Why don’t they study the ones that are already dead? Is there some kind of twisted scientific logic behind this?

Miracle cure kills fifth patient

Doesn’t seem like such a miracle if the cure killed five people. Unless death is the miracle they were looking for.

Yellow object spotted in sky

Never seen the Sun, huh? Yeah, big yellow ball in the sky. Burns the corneas if you look right at it. It’s out there shining on us on average 12 hours a day, until the world turns and hides it.

Trump Sun

Was bank robber a he or she? Breasts might be a clue

There was a time that I would say that if it’s got boobs, it’s a woman. Anymore, someone will get offended that I would dare assume the robber’s gender. Seriously, you either have boy parts or girl parts. I don’t care what you think you are or aren’t. You’re born one or the other.

Prisoner serving 2,000-year sentence could face more time

Even Methuselah couldn’t serve that sentence. Seriously, why is that kind of Draconian sentence even handed down? In modern times, the oldest person lived to 122. Just give the dude life without parole. Problem solved. Two millennia? Give me a fucking break. That’s simply overkill right there.

Man found dead in graveyard

Well, he’s certainly in the right place. Other than visitors and caretakers, I don’t want to find anyone alive in a graveyard. I do not want to be an unwilling participant in a real-life enactment of “The Walking Dead”, thank you very much.

spongebob-murder


Have you ever seen a headline worded strangely, or one that could be taken in more ways than one? Drop a note in the comments! I’d love to hear your versions.

With that in mind, it’s time to wrap this week’s post up. Keep up on the news (unless you’re sick of it all, like me), have a laugh in these difficult times, be safe and be well.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s