CXI – Such a Pain in The [Bleep]!

Eating is a fact of life. If you don’t eat, eventually you’ll die. For some, eating is an all-too-pleasurable experience (they overeat); others never want to eat (e.g., anorexics). Eating is a necessity, and most of the time, it goes off without a hitch—you eat, you chew and swallow, you go on about your day. Sometimes, however, while eating, things don’t always go according to plan.

When you’re dining, have you ever gotten food stuck between your teeth? That uncomfortable feeling of something wedged between your teeth. You try to be discreet and use a toothpick, but it doesn’t work. It happens to me quite frequently, especially after eating meat. It doesn’t matter if it’s beef, chicken or pork, I will invariably have a bit of food stuck between my teeth. The worst part is when I’m out and can’t remove it. I try dislodging with my tongue, but usually unsuccessfully. I wind up grabbing a flosspick from home, along with a paper towel or toilet paper, to clean the debris off the floss. It’s especially bad for me, since my teeth aren’t perfect (of course, that happens when you can’t afford dental visits, nor have insurance).

Biting mouth
The look you give when you bite your tongue or cheek while eating

Have you ever bitten your tongue (or cheek) while eating? I certainly have. You’re eating, then your mouth decides it’s time to cannibalize itself. You either bite your tongue full force, or somehow try to take a hunk out of your cheek. Either way, the pain is extremely intense. You stop for a second, mouth still full of food, and hold your cheek, since you can’t very well reach inside the mouth and rub the affected area. Once the pain subsides and you’ve cleared your mouth, you proceed to a restroom mirror to inspect the damage. I don’t know why it happens, but I do know I don’t wish that on anyone. Another pain I find comparable is when you turn your neck too fast and get this searing pain shoot up to the base of your head. You end up just sitting there in agony for a minute or two (which seem like eternity) until the pain subsides. I guess the medical term for this is “burner” or “stinger”. All I know is you feel like you’ve gone to hell and back briefly.

Pain in the neck
The “neck stinger” or shooting pain when you move your neck wrong

Another huge annoyance for me is when eating popcorn. Not only do the kernels love getting wedged between the teeth, the absolute worst has to be when the paper-thin skin decides it wants to slide between your tooth and gum. Because it’s so thin, and usually brittle after popping the corn, it wedges easily and becomes a royal pain in the ass to remove (I guess “pain in the mouth” is a more appropriate figure of speech?). Once it gets removed, you utter a huge sigh of relief, since it compares to a splinter that jams itself under the fingernail.

Popcorn stuck in teeth
What getting popcorn stuck in your teeth feels like

Okay, unrelated to eating: what is the purpose of the little toe, other than finding furniture in the middle of the night? Why is it always that little pinky toe that gets tortured? I just know that the pain is intense, like you want to rip the damned toe off for hurting so much. And your toe never contacts a dresser (or whatever) slowly. You always ram it full-speed, just to increase your enjoyment of the moments of tremendous agony.

little toe stub
Stubbing your little toe, accurately described

Many can relate to this one. It makes me cringe just thinking about it. Have you ever been unfortunate enough to slam your shin into a trailer hitch? Or maybe a bed frame? If you never have, you can’t imagine the misery of smacking an unbendable part of the leg into a solid metal object. If you have, you know exactly the pain I’m describing. After a short time, you wind up with a huge bruise on your shin, and it’s rather sensitive for several days.

trailer hitch
Trailer hitches are a thing of evil. Just looking at this makes me cringe

Ever have cramps in your legs? When I was working 60+ hours a week, from July 2019 – March 2020, I would get leg cramps frequently, as a result of overwork. Having a charley horse is no fun, but it does subside fairly quickly. Imagine my misfortune of having three cramps in one leg at one time. I awakened from a sound sleep to multiple cramps: one in the upper leg muscle, one in the calf, and yet another in my foot. Simultaneously. I couldn’t do anything but suffer. I tried walking around (as that sometimes alleviates the charley horse), but it seemed to keep getting worse. After a few minutes that seemed like years, the pain finally went away. During the attack, I hobbled from my bedroom to the kitchen (this was in the house next door to my mom, prior to 2012), and almost passed out twice in that short time, due to the intense pain. It was not the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, but it is definitely way up there. Don’t wish on anyone; 0/10 absolutely do not recommend.

Fred from Spongebob
Getting a charley horse calls for screaming this, along with a few choice expletives

I will never understand the pain a woman must go through to endure natural childbirth. I have had gallstones before, so I can only imagine how much worse that would be. If a guy had to have the second child in a marriage/relationship, there would absolutely never be a third. I know I could never endure that kind of pain. Honestly, I don’t understand why any woman would consciously choose to feel all the pains associated with birth. To each their own, I suppose. When I had hernia surgery back in 1993, I was given an epidural, as when I woke up afterwards, my legs were numb and felt like dead weight. For a little while, I understood more what a paralyzed person feels like. You try to move your legs, but nothing happens. You pick up the leg, and it flops back onto the bed. It was interesting, and a bit disconcerting at the same time, to be perfectly honest.

no drugs for motherhood
Yeah, you can get drugs for childbirth (highly recommended), but to get through their teen years, that’s another thing entirely!
differing pain opinions
Women will go through birth multiple times, even knowing the pain. Guys get kicked in the nuts will never want it again, EVER.

What are some excruciating pains you have felt? I know some people have stories way worse than my experiences. I can’t ever imagine having fibromyalgia—living with constant pain all over. I would never want anyone to voluntarily experience it, either. Share your tales with me, if you desire. For now, that wraps things up. While you’re out there in your daily goings-on, be safe and be well.

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