CXXX – Valentine’s Day🤮

Every year, halfway through the month of February, lies a day that is either highly anticipated and cherished, or loathed and the source of much anger or depression. There is no in-between. This day is one of several on the American calendar which involves lots of candies (Halloween, Easter and Christmas being three other big ones), along with flowers, cards, and sometimes expensive jewelry. I am, of course, referring to 14 Feb. In the United States, it’s known as Valentine’s Day.

Definition of Valentine’s Day, according to urbandictionary.com

Though many see this as a “day of love”, nearly 100 years ago, something rather infamous occurred. On 14 Feb 1929, in Chicago, the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre took place. Boiled down for simplicity, it was a mass-murder between two rival gangs, where seven people were shot down with Tommy guns.

Anyway, back to the sappy part. Many couples do a celebration of sorts, whether there is an exchange of flowers, candies, jewelry, or any number of gifts. Restaurants are generally very busy, including the Cracker Barrel where I work. Being Presidents Day weekend, Valentine’s Day, as well as the “Parade of Homes” that happens every year, we’re bound to get our asses handed to us. Sometimes, there is an increase in the number of births around October–November. For anyone who wants to have whatever celebration, be it dinner, gifts, sex, or whatever, feel free to partake and enjoy yourselves.

In America, many people receive flowers from their significant others
…or they might get candies.

There is, on the other hand, the dark side of Valentine’s Day. Some people either become somewhat depressed, or the already-depressed person gets even more so. There are those who, for any number of reasons, hate this day. Maybe they got dumped. Maybe they were cheated on. Perhaps a death anniversary mars the day. Whatever the case, not everyone gets all sappy or lovey-dovey over it. While most eventually overcome and continue on, there are those who decide things are too much and they end their lives. It happens every year.

For some, for any number of reasons, Valentine’s Day is not a happy one.

Maybe it’s because I’m kinda jaded, but I have never liked the idea of Valentine’s Day. First of all, like everything else, it’s way too goddamned commercialized. There is too much emphasis on buying expensive jewelry, chocolates, flowers and whatnot. There are people (mainly women, but many men, as well) who, if they don’t get some expensive gift, they get all pissed off. Now, don’t get uptight. I’m not generalizing here. Not everyone is like that, but there are those who fit this category. If the glass slipper fits?

As I said, Valentine’s Day doesn’t exist on my calendar. For me, 14 Feb is just another day of the year, just like Christmas and my birthday. I’m one of those weirdos who never had a girlfriend in high school. I never even had a girlfriend until I got married, which, in retrospect, happened way too quickly. Shit, I was a virgin until then, as well (probably TMI, but 🤷‍♂️). Sure, there were girls I had a crush on back in school, and I wish I hadn’t been so goddamned awkward to talk to them. Alas, you can’t change the past. Of course, I don’t ever regret my kids. I love them to death, but their mom and I were honestly never meant to be together. I’m pretty sure that a vast majority of every problem that ever existed was my fault, probably a good 99.9999997%.

I won’t continue dwelling on that subject, but suffice it to say, I’m a major loser. Whoever first said that everyone has a soulmate, or that there’s a perfect someone for everyone, I would love to go back and sever that person’s vocal cords. The word “love”, in terms of an adult relationship, to me is non-existent. It’s like a unicorn: it’s a fantasy, and it doesn’t exist. No one could possibly ever love me for who I am, especially when I’m the first one to hate, loathe and despise myself. Occasionally, I have those moments where I don’t dislike myself as much, but those happen like once in every three blue moons. I’ve been trying real hard to not be so negative and pessimistic about everything. With others, I tend to not do so badly. When it comes to myself, however, I fail. I see practically nothing good about myself. It’s partly due to this time of year, when we’re bombarded from all sides, by all broadcast media, with messages of love, loved ones, “I love my spouse/significant other”; even on social media, these couples who seem happy with each other, how they’re together x number of years, sharing their stories of how they met and whatnot. I see them, then I look at my own life, and I really see how fucked up everything is for me, and how I wish so much that I could go to the past and change some things, or just up and disappear for a long time.

You know what else gets to me? When someone laments that “oh, I haven’t gotten laid in like three months; I’m so deprived”, or “I’d go crazy if I didn’t have sex every few days”. I tell these people: That’s really cute; when you’ve gone as long as I have without any form of intimate contact, come talk to me. I’m not going to give an exact figure on how long it’s been (since that would be way TMI), but suffice it to say that it’s been a real hot minute. I mean, if you really want to know, DM me on Facebook/Instagram or email me and I’ll tell ya, but I really don’t expect any inquiries🤭.

Yes, there are people far worse off than myself. It’s good I’m not that far down. This is merely an illustration of how much I hate this particular week of the year. It’s so nice that I don’t have to deal directly with the public at work. I really don’t want to see these happy couples being all sappy and such. I’m in the kitchen, swearing a blue streak under my breath at these people🤣.

Whether fortunately or unfortunately, I’ve pretty much given up on anyone ever liking me and wanting to be with me. I guess I’ll just be content in the alone life. I wouldn’t even know what to do if I did meet someone. I’m too introverted and socially awkward to ever initiate anything.

As I said, Valentine’s Day means nothing, has never meant, and will never mean anything to me. As with some other dates in the year, I try to go one day at a time and not pay attention to the calendar. That allows me a little bit of normalcy and sanity.

If you are one of those who love Valentine’s Day, by all means, enjoy yourselves. There is one bright spot in all this: on 15 Feb, the candies usually end up like 50% off😲.

Whatever you do in your commemorations, remember to keep your distance from others; enjoy your dinners; wear those masks where required. Most importantly, remember to be safe and be well.

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