CXXXVIII – Begone, Vile Atrocity!

There are many things in this world that are important or essential. Of course, food, water and our beds are necessary. We also need our comfy beds, and in many cases, cars and phones are increasingly required in life. I mean, the ubiquity of smartphones have made pay phones obsolete and I don’t even know if working pay phones even exist anymore—when was the last time you saw a working phone booth, if ever? Then there are those things that should not be a thing or exist. If you were to go on Twitter and search the hashtag #StuffThatShouldNotExist, you’ll find a plethora of listings. In this post, I’m going to run down some of these things. I came across a page on the Bored Panda website that listed 51, but I don’t want to try to list them all, so I’m choosing 12 of them. I’ll just make my usual commentary about some of them.

1. Bathroom carpeting

Seriously? Having a little throw rug by the tub is good, to help dry your feet after a shower, or to keep yourself from slipping on the floor. But why in the hell would you need the whole bathroom carpeted? That’s like major 60s vibe there. I can imagine the carpet by the toilet getting ruined and stained by dudes who pee like Stormtroopers. Also, imagine the mold and mildew that could result from all the humidity from the shower🤢!

Carpet in the bathroom? How 1970s! Definitely not the most sanitary of things

1b. Kitchen carpeting

While we’re in the subject of carpet where it shouldn’t be, the kitchen should not be covered with carpet, either. Perhaps a floor mat or two, but not the entire kitchen! Unless, of course, you like high-traffic trampled carpet full of grease stains (and god-knows-what-else-stains).

2. LED headlights

Cars used to have quartz headlights—big, bulky lights that you had to remove and re-aim every time you changed them. They also weren’t incredibly bright. Many cars currently have halogen lights, brighter than quartz, but not blindingly so. Some cars have these LEDs or even the bluish xenon bulbs. Sure, their brightness helps the driver, but for oncoming traffic, it’s a nightmare of blinding light. This makes me think of the chorus to a song by Manfred Mann: “Blinded by the light”.

3. Plastic cake boxes

Ever buy a cake from the bakery, especially a grocery store bakery? Not a fancy cake, just a simple layer cake or quarter-sheet cake. They come in these plastic containers, and the lid is quite secure. When you go to open the box to get a slice of cake, the box is so noisy and obnoxious to open that someone in another county could hear you. If you try to sneak a slice at midnight, you’ll end up waking the entire house!

Opening this fucking thing at 03:00 could wake the dead in a far-away country! How am I supposed to be quiet sneaking a slice of cake with this noisy contraption?!

4. Canned bread

This sounds like something straight out of an episode of SpongeBob Squarepants. I think Squidward had something like that in his house (along with Patrick’s “drinkable sausage”🤢). What even is canned bread? It must be a culinary atrocity or slimy as hell like canned spinach. How did Popeye ever stand downing a can of slimy spinach?

5. “Peepsi”

Sometime this year, Pepsi is coming out with an absolutely abominable combination: marshmallow-flavored Pepsi. Marketed as “Peeps flavored Pepsi”, I’m certain it’ll be a flop not unlike Pepsi Blue. Of course, there’ll be some disgusting fuck out there who will try it and absolutely love it—probably the same people that adore cotton candy flavored energy drinks and other similarly sickeningly sweet beverage.

This is why we can’t have nice things…why ruin a perfectly good can of Pepsi by mixing it with this shit? Peeps are already gross, and now you want to defile a Pepsi with it? GTFOH!

6. Car eyelashes

I’ve seen a few of these around town: cars whose drivers have adorned the headlights with bizarre “eyelashes” to make the lights look like eyes. While we’re at it, I’m including the uber-stupid red ball and “antlers” to make people think their car looks like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Now, I already have absolutely zero Christmas spirit, so these decorations are utter nonsense and a waste of money to me. But hey, if it makes you feel better, then I guess knock yourself out. Just keep it away from me🤬!

6. Stuffed animals with human teeth

I saw something like this when I used to take my kids to a pediatric dentist. Several stuffed animals were strewn about the place for the kids to play with. Instead of their normal mouths, they had human-type teeth and a giant toothbrush. Those fucking things creeped me out. I can only imagine the nightmare fuel they’d be to a small child. Please, for the love of sanity, either don’t put a mouth or use the correct teeth. We do not need any kind of cross-species bastardized nightmare.

7. Bizarre Oreos

Nabisco has been quite inventive with their Oreo combinations. Making a dark chocolate filling, adding more “stuf”—such as the Mega Stuf or the “Most Stuf”—and some combinations have been on-target. Then there’s the strange and outright disgusting ones. How about Swedish Fish flavored crème? Or maybe the ever-dreaded Peeps flavored filling (or any marshmallow whatever)? I could go on and on with the bizarre Oreos that have come out. Honestly, there is absolutely no excuse for candy corn Oreos. And what is a “cookies and cream” Oreo? Is it just Oreo flavored Oreos🤔?

Even Oreo had the unfortunate misstep of using using marshmallow filling. Like, totally gag me! Like, oh my god!
Yet another flavor sin committed by Nabisco: Oreos with Swedish Fish flavored filling. Absolutely abominable!

8. Sweet and savory

Let me qualify this one. Not everything sweet-and-savory is terrible. I do occasionally enjoy a meat-cheese-egg breakfast sandwich on French toast, or a McGriddle from McDonalds (just without the plastic “cheese” slice). I don’t care for the syrup-and-eggs/bacon or the maple-bacon things. However, the strangest thing was a picture I saw on the internet that I hope is fiction. Who the fuck came up with “ham and bananas hollandaise”? Bananas topped with ham and hollandaise sauce. To the inventor of this abomination, please shove it up your ass.

A product of its day, that thankfully stayed there, is this god-awful creation.

9. Shake Weights

Some years back, you could buy this exercise thing called a shake weight. You held it in your hands and vigorously shook it, supposedly to tone your upper body. No heterosexual man would ever be caught dead using one of these things, but many loved watching women use them. It honestly looked like the woman is giving her guy some sexual pleasure.😬🥴

10. Odd-colored food

General Mills tries to convince parents to buy their kids some overpriced breakfast staples to generate sales by offering cereal-inspired pancake mix and syrup. They made a blue pancake syrup, with the Cap’n Crunch logo. Maple syrup is brown, not freaking blue. There are zero natural blue foods. Even blueberries are purple! That’s along the line of the purple and green Heinz ketchup from back around 2000. It probably tasted like normal ketchup, but it sure as hell looked bizarre.

About 20 years ago, Heinz thought it’d be a great idea to make weird-colored ketchup. Um, no. Ketchup is supposed to be red.

11. Savory Jello foods

Back in the 1950s, up until the 1970s (thank god it died back then), there was this fad of taking plain gelatin and adding savory food to it, like ham, vegetables or fish. Just imagine a salmon-flavored Jello. Um, excuse me while I throw up in my mouth🤮.

Yet another abomination that invaded kitchens 60 years ago: Jello “salads” using everything that shouldn’t belong in Jello.

12. Insect “treats”

Probably the worst one on this list is any kind of edible anything involving insects. Things like chocolate-covered ants, scorpion lollipops, candied crickets, and other assorted barf-inducing shit. If given the choice between marshmallow Peeps or one of these horrifying things, I’d opt to gag down the Peeps. Anyone get flashbacks from Fear Factor?

I’ve probably succeeded in grossing many out this week. I know my stomach is churning and feeling a bit uneasy right now. Next week should not be as nausea-inducing; but didn’t I say that these things shouldn’t exist?

Hopefully things are resuming their normalcy where you are, and that those who want to get the corona vaccine are getting it. Whether you do or not is your choice; I don’t care one way or the other. However, I do hope nothing bad comes to you in any aspect. Pray to your supreme being of choice, wear your mask where you’re required. Please wash your hands (that’s just hygiene), and as always, be safe and be well.

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